Saturday, March 1, 2014

Use the TABS above to check out my skills

If you get bored read the comedy piece I did for a magazine.

Lary Crews in Tampa Bay Magazine

So, I'm thinking about starting a bunch of new businesses.
1. I am going to manufacture small rubber imitations of the ubiquitous Blue-tooth earplug and sell them to schizophrenics so they can talk to themselves with impunity.

2. I'm getting into the security business at a very low investment cost. All I am going to do is print signs that read "This Property Protected by Black Pit Bull Security Inc." Just signs.

3. I am going to train professional paparazzi defenders; guys with electronic flash equipment who will travel with stars and - when paparazzi try to take a photograph, the defender will fire a flash at their cameras.

4. I will produce a low-cost version of Big Brother called "Little Brother." Six people will be locked in a house with cameras everywhere and they will play games and lie to each other and one will be evicted each week. The difference? The cameras are fake and no one knows they are in the house.

5. I will produce iPods for security guards designed to look like an authentic walkie talkie, a night stick or a badge. That way, they look legitimate but they can enjoy their shift.

6. Another of my inventions is inflatable food for single men who live alone. They can put plastic blow-up celery, salad fixings, steaks and other food in with the cans of Red Bull, beer and fruit cocktail and visiting parents will think they have a well-stocked fridge.

7. I will run a stable of young college graduates who - for a price - will come to your home and speak Latin. Also in the works: girls who know sports statistics and men who, when talked to, will reply, "I know. I know."

8. Rapture Trading Posts will become very popular in the near future. Basically, Christians who believe in the "rapture" can give all their belongings to a local trading posts where sinners, non-believers and those of different religions can buy them at vastly reduced prices. In exchange, the Christians get a hand-shake and a smile.

9. Accelerated Stardom Parties are for actors and others who want to experience real fame. For a price, the actor will be surrounded by adoring fans, called "a loser" by a no-talent but beautiful woman, blinded by flashes, ripped-off by an acting teacher, be praised by critics, win a Golden Globe, get arrested after smoking crack, get out of rehab... Then, in the 2nd hour...

10. At a password-controlled website, secret to all outside the industry, agents, managers, producers and others can download terse but erudite comments about current movies, plays and TV shows that will give the impression to others that they have actually SEEN the productions.